Many things have happened in the past year which have forced me to feel something I didn’t want to feel.
A little over a year ago my Uncle passed. We were very close.
About six months ago my step-father died. We had struggle and and intense relationship that was healed just before his death.
Three months ago my daughter moved out. Leaving me alone in my house with my cat, Tom.
Six weeks ago my father died. We were very close and spent lots of time together.
One week ago my cat Tom died.
Oh Shit, if ever in my life I’ve come to a place where my struggle with moments of feeling needy was alive, it has been this year.
And, I greatly detest feeling needy.
These moments of feeling as if I need someone outside of myself to make me feel nurtured and whole seems to take my power.
As a coach, I remind myself that my needs are just illusions created by my belief systems and stories which are desperately trying to support a bullshit identity.
My limiting belief systems want me to vomit! And yell at me with good survival intentions, “Come on Roger – Be strong! Be secure! Don’t be so Fucking weak! You don’t feel this way! Let it go! Push it deep! Ignore it”
And I notice the noise. The distraction of mind. And I know it is time to be honest. This honesty is a nasty pill to swallow and filled with loneliness!
When the loneliness begins knocking on my door, the first thing I want to do, is leave it in the dust and run like a mad man chasing corporate goals and greed. I just want to stay busy and in doing so quit noticing the strangely uncomfortable sensations. Who wants to feel hollow and lonely?
So what do I do?
Do I Dive? Do I hide?
HELL, YES I DIVE.
As much as it scares me, I dive right into the emotions and let them move and grow! Let them scream, let them tell me their story.
When I became conscious while experiencing fear, my courage for freedom appeared. I grabbed a hold of that courage and surrendered into the loneliness. While in the dive something magical happened.
I found the strength to let myself experience an ugly cry. I found my divine self holding me while I was experiencing this cry.
I found wholeness waiting with more love than I’ve ever known.
And even as I write this, I feel my divinity supporting me, expressing through me, opening to the love for self that I hadn’t fully realized. Enjoying the overwhelming compassion for myself as I am. And in that moment of experiencing wholeness – compassion – Love – I have no needs and no desires.
The second magical thing that occurred, which might not be obvious, is that because I let the emotion of loneliness move and have it’s own life, it found it’s end and has made space for more beautiful experiences with beautiful people!
As I reminisce, remember and feel all the experiences of the past with these people, I feel held and nurtured by self. I feel closer to my wholeness. And as I feel closer to my wholeness, my new experiences become inspired from the core of my divine self.
This is where the real power of authentic presence shines through.