As I sit with couples, singles, and groups, the largest gripe I hear and feel is broken promises or broken images of what 'should be' or 'must be' based on one's deeply entrenched stories and belief systems of how another should show up.
Last week I spoke with a human (A) who was wounded by its partner's (B) desire to be different from A’s ideals. B changed the relationship container when he accepted an internal desire/pull to flow in personal truth/essence. That acceptance of B’s calling triggered an old wound A had been carefully bandaiding and avoiding.
This organic trigger is rarely accepted as a gift or opportunity to clear tense parts of a relationship. It is usually felt as betrayal or treason to one’s unknown values. This gift might not be easy to process or celebrate in joy over, but it can bring an offering of radiant freedom and love. An opportunity to heal a relationship that is built on false images and poor communication.
B’s desire to be true to its essence pulled him in directions that confused A. Unfortunately, they had zero tools to deal with this sort of life upset. When this happens, it is no small upset to either party when old belief system containers are rattled. So many why questions erupted from A who was unconsciously having its core wound ripped open. A’s perception was that it was B who was at fault. B had been innocently and carefully spending all its energy acting in a way that preserved A’s dreamy view of B, and when that illusion changed, what followed was Rage, Blame, and Shame. Nobody can be blamed. The emotions are typical of what happens when an internal safety feature is broken.
The original relationship was not one that held a container where two sovereign people supported each other through open communication, compassion, and integrity. After asking A some real questions, A admitted to not being happy with how the relationship was and that there were many moments where A hadn’t actually wanted to continue in the morose state they had been accepting.
A had an underlying dream of a white picket fence and a knight to protect and support that dream. B decided to take a huge risk and move to action to become a powerful knight of truth and integrity to its soul. And of course, change can be terrifying for anyone.
B desired to dream of a powerful sovereign existence filled with creativity, calling, and curiosity. B wanted to cultivate a real relationship with authentic action. Full of fear of an unpredictable future, B chose to accept an unconventional path of walking in truth. A path of sovereignty caused a separation from old patterns that were built out of childhood stories and wounds.
For A, this new sovereign being was causing feelings of an old familiar abandonment pattern from childhood to awaken. That abandonment wound had been the instigator behind her dreams for a safe white picket fence and solid knight.
We all have our patterns and pathways to heal and at times it takes huge moments of choosing integrity over submission. Courage offers a ripe environment for chaos.
We generate this ideal human partner, ideal community, ideal work environment based on loose dreams and information we have gathered from sources such as cartoons, dramas, parents, stories, social media, and so on. For the purpose of this blog I stuck to couple relationships, however, I hope you'll be able to apply this to all types of relationships that create drama.
When we meet up with someone who appears to meet most of our expectations, unconscious values, and 'known needs', we tend to fill in the rest of the story of another and begin a path together. And when partners are not available to communicate openly, we begin to create piles of information based on false assumptions.
In a healthy relationship, none of this would happen. No expectations. No filling in blanks about the other person. We would remain curious about how this human shows up in our moments with joy, sadness, love, worry, confidence, support, safety, and many other wonderful aspects of life that make life so beautiful. That curiosity would be communicated openly without fear of punishment. No human is like another. No human has the capacity to be another. No human can effectively fill the desires of another if those desires are built out of a limited thought or belief. And as humans,
we are constantly evolving, developing, molding, and expanding. If you are the identical person you were last year, you might have yourself in a self-imposed penitentiary of sorts.
Life is fairly simple when we communicate with unconditional love and allow others to communicate back and love us unconditionally.